Peter Pan syndrome: when refusing to grow up becomes pathological

Instead of accepting to grow up, some adults feel the need to remain children all their lives. They then lock themselves into so-called “pre-adult” behaviors or thoughts, refusing to assume any form of responsibility. From difficulty channeling their emotions, to the need to sleep with their cuddly toy, all extremes are possible. We also speak of the "Peter Pan syndrome", in reference to the famous Disney character, nicknamed "the boy who did not want to grow up". How to recognize this syndrome? The point with Eudes Séméria, psychologist and author of the book The four fears that prevent us from living (Albin Michel).

"It's the refusal or the fear of growing up, that is to say of going from an infantile or pre-adult thought to an adult thought", describes Eudes Séméria. This concept was popularized by American psychologist Dan Kiley to characterize emotionally immature adults who become walled in in their youth. Although it is not recognized in the international psychiatric reference manual (the WHO classification or ICD-10), this disorder is "a psychological coping mechanism" in the face of the anxiety of passing from the status of child to that of adult in an irreversible way. Growing up, this is manifested in particular by the fear of the dark, of going to bed, of being alone or even of moving around without being accompanied. "It's also the fear of phoning, driving or even disobeying one's parents even at 40-50 years old, or even introducing someone to them, because this supposes an entry into sexual life", adds the psychologist.

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“It becomes pathological from the moment there is suffering,” says Eudes Séméria. These people suffer because their lives are generally full of constraints: professional or sentimental failures, difficulties in progressing in their profession… The transition to adulthood is a delicate stage. Some will therefore seek to dodge it.

Strong anxiety and emotional dependence are good markers of this disorder. "The fact that patients feel empty, worthless, excessively shy, are frequent signs", lists Eudes Séméria. They are added to agitation, procrastination, rumination of ideas at night which prevent sleep, for example. Alone, these “symptoms” are not worrying. According to the psychologist, "patients are generally well aware that they have this thought of a child in an adult body". Often they come for help because they feel out of place. "Adults who are afraid of growing up have difficulty facing the big existential questions of awareness of death, loneliness, finding or giving meaning to one's life and decision-making," explains Eudes Séméria. All these questions frighten the child, until now preserved in his parental bubble.

Pre-adult thinking is characterized by:

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According to Eudes Séméria, there would be no particular cause. Everything depends on the way in which one perceives the stakes of existence, the family context and the means of reassuring oneself about existential anxieties. The fear of growing up may be fueled by childhood trauma such as bereavement, a form of abuse, parental divorce, etc. "But the trauma is not a systematic condition", qualifies the psychologist. An aggravating factor is the behavior of some parents such as overprotection or, conversely, the delegation of responsibilities over their child, who feels obliged to mature more quickly to bear this mental burden. This can happen if a parent is unwell or depressed, for example. But the causes remain very variable. "A child sometimes develops this fear when he has measured parents, simply because, it must be admitted, growing up is scary," explains the psychologist.

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Psychological work depends on the personal motivation of the patient to cross the threshold of childhood. Then, the therapeutic solution, with a psychological framework, will make it possible to concretize the project of becoming an adult, in particular by deconstructing the associated fears.

How to do it concretely?

In certain circumstances, anxiety can also lead to depressive states. In this case, a multidisciplinary framework with drug treatment may be necessary. “But be careful, the drugs do not cure the syndrome. They can nevertheless help to find a form of mental stability prior to work on oneself, ”underlines the psychologist.