In the first time, enchanted by infatuation, sex, and the fantastic, new, evokes a picture of your girlfriend, as is so clearly and beautifully that you are here for several years, yearn for it.
Your girlfriend has changed since ye met each other. It has you also. And it means that your images of one another no longer fits with the reality (if they ever did it).
It takes believe therapist Christiane Meulengracht, which encourages Danish couples to be more curious about each other in everyday life.
One of the ways to teach your gf to know that he or she is today, is simply to talk about something other than logistics and the job and ask questions that go deeper. Meulengracht believes that curiosity about my bf's feelings and attitudes most show up when we are in love:
- As nyforelskede we are often very open to each other and great to ask curious questions, simply because we can't leave it - and on that basis we create an image of our partner and the role each of us occupies in the couple.
- It can be both the visible roles but also the more subtle, which may act on who takes the initiative to sex, who is impulsive, the passive, the sensitive, the temperamental, the peaceful, etc., explains Christiane Meulengracht.
According to the therapist it is quite normal, that in this way we occupy certain roles, when we make a new kærlighedsrelation, but a problem arises when we uphold each other in these roles and forget to talk about them in everyday life - also when the big infatuation has settled:
- I have seen many couples who are reading their partner's feelings, wants and needs completely wrong, because they have maintained him or her in that picture they got as nyforelskede.
you don't Get constantly talked about the roles and the dynamics in the couple and asked sincerely to each other's feelings, wants and needs, you risk to end up in a frustrating and contentious relationship, where you can feel misunderstood and overlooked, explains parterapeuten.
Kiss & love - 6. christmas. 2018 - at. 22:14 Happiness in the couple: Turn down for expectations
Christiane Meulengracht calls, therefore, for man in the couple does their best to screw up the curiosity in everyday life:
- There is a great realization in the acceptance of the fact that our partner is not necessarily exactly the same person as him or her, we fell in love. It is important, therefore, that we in everyday life remember to ask curiously to our partner with good, open and non-judgemental questions.
- in Addition, of course it is important that we do our best to show and tell our partner how we have it. Is there something that hurts, we must remember to say ’av’ – that also applies in the couple, says Christiane Meulengracht.
She refers to a study by an american psychologist, who has found 36 questions that create greater intimacy and intimacy between two people (as well as the 36 issue, which is good for a date).
Several of these questions can be the inspiration for the more deep and curious conversations in the couple.
Sex & cohabitation - 29. apr. 2018 - at. 23:29 Here is the main reason for the crisis in your relationship
- There is a cliche that the man falls in love with a woman and hope/expect, she does not change, while a woman falls in love with the man and expect/hope that he will change. Both will be disappointed... it Has nothing?
- Yes, the cliche lives, but my message is that we have so much to gain to be curious on what we think we know. For we are to maintain each other's roles - even those we do not like, when we do not get talked about all that in reality touches within in the us. It can also be sexual arousal and dreams for the future - or just the next year.
- What about sex?
- Sex is definitely a part of the development. I hear many say, ‘we're just going back to what we had (before we had children).’ This, they believe, is the sex life and the romance and the good deep communication - and for some also falling in love. But the moment of falling in love purpose is not to persist throughout life. The purpose is that we are attracted to sexually, so we may be reproduced us and ensure the species ' survival, says the therapist, and comes with a tough message:
- We will also never back to what we had. Because we change. We can create something that is just as good or better, but it does not come by itself. It is important to see both the truth that we can create something new, but not the same, and that it is about to look inward instead of pointing the finger at your partner in the eyes.
- For as long as we are blinded by the image that we are going back to something we have had, we can't create something new. So we are stuck, says Meulengracht.
She draws parallels to the job:
- The good career does not know that we day in and day out and do the same. It also requires curiosity, and that you make effort to understand what is going on and how you can help.
- Our sexuality varies through life. Unless we are on medication, have hormonal influence, many know it. The desire today is often different than yesterday - unless it just feels completely gone.
- life circumstances such as children, the change in familiesammensætning, new working conditions, the deaths, yes, the very fact that we age, change our profits, and where we put our energy. There is also something hormonal, which greatly governs our sexuality in different life stages.
According to the parterapeuten talk few actually much about their sex life - and most when it is unsatisfactory:
And then we often come far out in the bad communication. But we have an ongoing dialogue about how we thrive - on what affects our joy, our horniness, our experiences in the family, we come really far.
- Then a dedicated 10-minute session every day where there is just time to put down the phone and let the kids and the dishes be just that, where we check in with each other - where we listen and not fixer or go in defense - can change a great deal. With eye contact and body contact at the same time, it becomes a very present and opmærksomhedsfyldt experience.
- Or perhaps real to go for a walk a few times a week for 30 minutes, where we just get reversed, what is really going on in each other. Our concerns, joys, thoughts and also fx what times of the current week, where we feel most in touch with both ourselves and the partner.
Five questions to more closeness in the couple relationship
How would a ’perfect’ day for you look like?
tell us three things that we you are thinking, that we have in common?
What are you most thankful for in your life?
Is there something you for a long time have dreamed of doing? What has prevented you from making it in life.
If you could change something in your upbringing, what would it be?
Here you can read all 36 questions