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It's great that you're there!

A normal day of the week: 15 PM I'll pick our two year old daughter from daycare, the Playground, and perhaps even quickly shopping. To 17 PM, we are sitting in the living room on the floor and play. Then my wife comes after a twelve-hour day in the clinic home, she has wrestled with a drunken patient in the emergency room and by the evening traffic jam in a fight. And my only thought? But this has taken a long time. Why can't I say: it's Great that you're here!

As each of the parents to unite a couple in the year 2019 we are looking for a way, a child and a career, profession, and relationship. Actually, this works very well, I think. We both work 80 percent. Sometimes my wife has a long weekend services. Sometimes I have crazy Deadlines. Often we are exhausted both total. We do not perform strictly the book, but this book pushes but stop monologue in the foreground, the quiet suspicion that one makes more than the other.

Why can't we celebrate ourselves?

What strikes me with Reports of similar pairs: that you talk a lot of Excel lists, hard debates at the kitchen table, and quirks – but rarely about how great the other is. Basically, this is a crazy performance: Both work, cook, do the dishes, take care of the children, talking in the evening, in bed, books that you have read, and have even from time to time, Sex. Why can't we celebrate ourselves? Why is it that the love relationship is the place where one praises the least, and motivated?

I'm going to give my wife aware, and more frequently positive Feedback, to sulk, and work to add up hours. And I hope secretly, that I set a positive process in motion. Because I'm also highly praised. How to effectively praise be, is well understood: studies have shown that customers stand at the döner or the Gelateria a good ten percent more Glace and meat were given when you made the sellers a compliment in front of the order ("With you, it tastes the best!").

you pay attention to Positive, changing the view

The power of praise I know. At the beginning of our relationship I cooked only very rarely. I don't want to bother this beautiful woman with verkochtem rice. My wife praised me effusively. Because I'm a vain person, and I liked that. I cooked so often. And today I am at least average cooking. I don't know if my wife did this deliberately. But perhaps relationships are not always about convincing the Partner. Sometimes it is enough to outwit him elegantly.

The Lob Experiment does not lead immediately to change. Sometimes I'm still impatient or in a bad mood. But to me it's also a change in the situation. Because you need patience. I had thought that the Praise of the temper of my wife would have to improve, now I realize that my own mood lifts. If you pay attention to the positive things, it shifts the perspective. Also not to get upset, what works, look at the beautiful things: the sacrifice of will, if my wife puts the sick child, because she knows that I have to write the next day, urgently this Text finished. How you end up with surgical precision, and incredibly loving the finger nails of our sleeping daughter cuts.

"in praise of lost in relationships. This gives the Opposite feeling to be talked down to."David Wilchfort, couple therapist

The praise is not an assessment of a performance, but more of a: Baby, you're the best, unique, beautiful. And that feels good. "Often it's the small things, everyday habits, we change a relationship," writes psychologist Oscar Holzberg in his book, "the key phrases of love": "A critical note, we deny ourselves. A praise that we miss otherwise." And: "The more we experience, that we do something, the less rigid we must insist on our positions. We will be conciliatory."

My wife immediately noticed that something is different. It is not around my neck, but looks rather surprised and amused: What's he up to now? After a few weeks consult I couple therapist David Wilchfort. I had me set up to be praised: How perceptive! What a modern man! Wilchfort, however, is horrified: "praise lost in relationships. This gives the Opposite feeling to be talked down to." He is not proposing me to say: "you did well", but: "it's good that you did that." Or: "what pleased me right now." And especially: "Yes, that's right, you're right." Because it comes to feelings and the emotional relationship. And not things such as productivity or on-time delivery.

The main thing is to show enthusiasm

In some ways, Wilchfort agrees with me. He also finds that couples celebrate: "We believe, according to the advertising phase is the ownership phase. But the Registrar is not the land registry. We do not have the relationship as a plot of land." It was the attitude you had in the infatuation, to keep alive and to show enthusiasm for the other as often as possible. Maybe it doesn't matter what it's called: praise, positive Feedback, a compliment, acknowledgement, or recognition. The main thing, it shows also in a state of total exhaustion, that one appreciates and loves.

The Lob Experiment now takes about three months. It looks not bad at all. Of course we argue, but I think less bitter and opinionated. I look with a more friendly view on everyday life and on my wife. And I don't mean to feel that you can be different to reflect this view. Recently, I was with the daughter of a forest Playground. A warm, bright early winter day. My wife was late, and I showed her the cold shoulder. Immediately was sorry. It's a beautiful day it was. On the way home I put the Arm around you, and praised you for a Detail that I forgot in the meantime. She laughed: "you just said, because you set out to praise." True, I said, "but that does not make it less true."

(Sunday newspaper)

Created: 06.01.2019, 13:17 PM

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