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"Love is monogamous, but man is not"

Prize question: What do almost all well-known love stories - from "Romeo and Juliet" (1597) to "Fifty Shades of Gray" (2005) - have in common? Firstly, these are usually heteronormative relationships, i.

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"Love is monogamous, but man is not"

Prize question: What do almost all well-known love stories - from "Romeo and Juliet" (1597) to "Fifty Shades of Gray" (2005) - have in common? Firstly, these are usually heteronormative relationships, i.e. a man and a woman who fall in love with each other. Popular exceptions have only recently increased, such as the queer love films “Blue is a Warm Color” (2013) or “Call Me by Your Name” (2017).

Second, and this hasn't changed much, most great love stories are based on the idea that it takes two to love -- exactly two. Third, fourth or fifth protagonists, if at all, appear as a danger to love. Loyalty is considered a basic requirement for romantic relationships, infidelity the highest betrayal.

Although fewer and fewer people are marrying and almost half of all marriages in Germany end in divorce, people are amazingly persistent in their adherence to the concept of monogamy. Incidentally, the most common reason for divorce: extramarital affairs. Relationships today are mostly shorter, but still exclusive; scientists refer to this model as serial monogamy. There is no longer any need for a religion that demands loyalty.

Most couples, at least in the western world, ask this of themselves. "As lovers, we think of ourselves as the distinguished protagonists of a Shakespeare film adaptation," writes Michèle Binswanger, author of "Cheating - A Handbook for Women" (2017). In fact, it is, at least as far as sexuality is concerned, as colorful as our closest animal relatives, the apes: Despite their romantic disposition, our species is very sex-obsessed - and by nature rather polygamous, according to Binswanger.

Evolutionary biological studies agree with the writer. The socially preferred model of a two-person relationship only became established around 10,000 years ago. Until then, our nomadic ancestors lived in egalitarian groups, in which everyone shared everything: from the spoils of the hunt to sex and the resulting responsibility for children. Instead of the nuclear family, the community was in the foreground, instead of loyalty to the partner, belonging to the group. Only with sedentarization and the spread of agriculture and ownership did monogamy become the standard model.

First and foremost, the claim to loyalty served the men in establishing a patrilineal line of succession: they could ensure that the son who was to inherit all their property actually came from them. Father, mother, (many) children: From now on, the nuclear family was more important than the community, loyalty in the partnership more important than belonging to the group.

What began as an alliance of convenience to accumulate wealth was finally declared by the world religions to be an order willed by God. Example Christianity: The story of creation only provides for two people - and because Eve, naked and curious, gets involved with a snake out of sheer boredom, she is expelled from paradise together with Adam. Outside, a world of guilt and shame awaits, where marriage is sacred - and extramarital sex a sin. Female lust is taboo in Christian society, homosexuality is demonized.

"A rigid moral concept that still has an impact today," says Michèle Binswanger. According to the writer, modern relationships fail not because of infidelity, but because of misunderstood fidelity. Perhaps, she suspects, it is not our partner who is cheating on us, but rather love itself. During the late romantic period, love was transfigured into a rosy phantasm that we like to believe in, but which causes relationships to fail in series. The claim to loyalty to one's partner no longer has an economic or religious background, but has become an end in itself.

"Monogamy is not fixed in our natural hardware," says Bern couples therapist Klaus Heer in an interview with ARTE magazine. For almost 50 years, he has been receiving couples in his practice who have been fatally affected by this circumstance. For most of them, the relationship went by itself at first: "As long as we're in love, only complete loyalty is possible," says Heer. But as soon as this unconditional enthusiasm cools down - and that happens inexorably - the common comfort zone shrinks drastically.

The conclusion of his personal and professional life: "Love is monogamous, but man is not," says the 79-year-old. He advises to be prepared that "the Romeo and Juliet ideal cannot be maintained forever". That's not a reason to despair. On the contrary: "Relationships are experimental fields," emphasizes Heer. People and couples are inventive when it comes to rethinking partnerships.

The documentary series “How do we want to love?”, which ARTE will show in February, outlines what that can look like. In it, young and old, heterosexual and queer, monogamous and polyamorous couples tell how they love - with all joys and sorrows. Alternative forms of relationships are being scrutinized by experts from various scientific disciplines, as is classic monogamy. A perfect form of love? There isn't, says Klaus Heer: "Our love is restlessly searching as long as we're alive."

Broadcast note: How do we want to love? | 3 pcs. Documentary series — Available in the media library until May 15th

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