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"If a little thing goes wrong, the narcissist gets in a bad mood"

Looking back, Karl Wolf can hardly believe what happened to him back then.

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"If a little thing goes wrong, the narcissist gets in a bad mood"

Looking back, Karl Wolf can hardly believe what happened to him back then. That he almost broke up within two years - and all for the love of a woman. Wolf, whose real name is different, is 42 years old today.

On the phone he talks about his relationship. He noticed one of many warning signs that the partnership was toxic at a techno festival. The minimalist electronic sound catapulted the then 39-year-old back to his youth. He was happy, let himself be carried away by the music.

But his girlfriend spoiled everything by immediately criticizing him: "You don't really dance freely." It was as if she had turned off the music for Wolf. He continued to dance, but looking back, he says of that moment, "I wasn't me anymore." He was just an echo, her mood became his, his emotions and desires just smoke and mirrors. But who was he?

One answer could be: an echoist. Echoism is a new attempt at explanation for people who are afraid of being a burden to others - to the point of self-abandonment.

The term goes back to Greek mythology and the story of the mountain nymph Echo and the youth Narcissus. He rejected the love of others and famously fell in love with his own reflection. Less well known is the fate of Echo, a beautiful woman who adored Narcissus. But out of sheer infatuation, she only understood fragments of words. "I don't want to lie next to you" became "lying next to you". It was a deeply unhealthy encounter that didn't have a happy ending: she withdrew, hurt, into a cave where she dissolved, turned to stone. In the end, only a sound of unrequited love remained.

As a relationship partner, echoists often seek out people with a complementary personality type, which may be better known: narcissists. A lot has been written about the characteristics of this personality disorder in recent years: manipulation, border violations, insults, lies. People with healthy self-esteem don't play this game. Echoists do, says Craig Malkin. According to the American psychologist, this personality type involves extremely sensitive, compassionate, and emotionally intelligent people, leaving room for the narcissist's dominance.

“Echoists struggle with having their own voice. They absorb the needs and feelings of narcissistic individuals,” Malkin defined the concept in his 2016 book The Narcissist Test. Echoists give more than they get in return.

In his opinion, Wolf's ex-girlfriend also suffered from a narcissistic personality disorder. Could he find himself in the idea of ​​echoism? "Yes, because I'm a guy who hasn't learned to stand up for his own needs enough," he says. He actually "didn't fall flat on his lips", but he never "put through" his wishes. For a long time he was sure that the reason behind his then-girlfriend's emotional coldness was that they "moved in together too quickly". For Malkin, the fact that sufferers like Wolf blame themselves for their situation is further evidence of their echoistic selflessness. But are they really “victims”, perhaps of themselves?

To figure that out, you have to take a quick dive into the mindset of narcissists. Phone call to Pablo Hagemeyer. He is a psychotherapist and psychiatrist and has written several non-fiction books about himself, including the bestselling book Let Me Be an Asshole. So, what makes narcissists tick? "A narcissist likes to hand over the responsibility for harmony and the beautiful moments to their partner," he explains on the phone between two sessions.

The insults and devaluations would come insidiously, the narcissist would test the limits. "An incredibly great scenario is always created in which both are fine, but if something goes wrong, the narcissist gets in a bad mood." He withdraws suddenly and thus triggers a reflex in a sensitive counterpart. "The partner immediately blames themselves and does everything they can to restore the good mood." A vicious cycle for the relationship, but one that ensures a narcissist constant attention and admiration.

Hagemeyer, who emphasizes that he does not have any pathological but only pronounced narcissistic aspects, would find it “totally boring” to have a parroting echoist at his side. "I would hear myself all the time," he says with a short laugh. "Echoists are like a breeze." They don't resist, don't argue back, let their emotions pass.

Karl Wolf drew the line after two years. In the end, she accused him of behaving "like a little kid". She rejected any joint responsibility for the failure of her love. He began psychotherapy to understand: In his childhood he had not learned to stand up for himself. His father was a loving but extremely dominant man. His mother was severely depressed and often sad.

Wolf saw it as his responsibility to stand up for her feelings and put his ones aside. When he met his partner at a seminar, her behavior seemed familiar to him. “There was something powerful about her, that part of my father. At the same time she had something very melancholic, something deeply depressive, sad. She impressed me.” Looking back, he understood that he had also behaved in the same way when he was young, at work and sometimes in previous relationships; only the other ex-girlfriends were not pronounced narcissists.

Echo and Narcissus have a relationship in the imagination, but in reality Echo is not at all related to Narcissus, explains narcissism expert Bärbel Wardetzki. This pattern is very common in toxic relationships: "Narcissus has a dismissive attachment style, Echo clings out of fear of rejection," says the psychologist.

"In the end, they both suffer from their lack of self-esteem and their fear of commitment." Echoists remind them of vulnerable-fragile narcissism, which is also known as covert narcissism or complementary narcissism: these people are self-insecure people.

Wardetzki prefers to call it “female narcissism” because although there are men like Karl Wolf who tend to have it, women are much more likely to be affected. "Women with a female narcissistic structure dissolve like Echo in a relationship with a narcissist," says Wardetzki.

On the other hand, it's not all bad. If you can put your own wishes aside, first of all do something good for the other person and help the relationship in a wonderful way, she says. Everyone has narcissistic needs: "We all want to be noticed."

Like echoists, they suffer from inferiority, self-doubt, and nothingness. They learn in their families, at school or at work that it is better to make themselves look stupid and small in order to get recognition in return. However, those who care more for others than for themselves are out of balance with themselves. "Many people," says the psychologist, "one could attest to echoistic tendencies."

In principle, however, she sees the term critically; a single catchphrase could not fill out the whole event. And regardless of whether you call people like Karl Wolf echoists or complementary narcissists: According to Wardetzki, anyone who has ever been in a relationship with a narcissist urgently needs corrective experiences. That is the only way to strengthen your own self-esteem, otherwise you will end up in toxic partnerships again and again. "Echoists need permission to raise their voices," she says.

Today, Wolf is certain that he has arrived at this point. He even shows understanding for his ex-girlfriend: "I saw the pain in her." Although she had built up a lot professionally, she was a "deeply hurt person" on the inside. It is important to him not to point the finger at narcissists. In addition to his job for a school authority, Wolf now runs a self-help group for those affected by emotional and narcissistic abuse in Hamburg. He founded the group. Karl Wolf does not want to be a victim, but rather “process and understand”. In the end, the most important finding for both sides.

This article was first published in August 2021.

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