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How much we benefit from our siblings

The first photo that exists of Petra Bahr shows her as a small child.

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How much we benefit from our siblings

The first photo that exists of Petra Bahr shows her as a small child. She's already a year old by then. Her big sister, on the other hand, has three lovingly designed albums from her entire childhood. Her brother, the second born, at least got a photo book.

Only Petra, the youngest child in the family, has only a few loose photos from her childhood. And not a single baby picture. "It hurt," says the 53-year-old when she thinks back to what it was like to discover this injustice. But the third baby wasn't anything special anymore - at least not worth photographing often.

Parents taking few photos paying more attention to sister or brother. Added to this were the rivalries over hierarchy, friction and brawls: what Petra Bahr experienced is part of everyday life for the majority of children in Germany.

According to the Federal Statistical Office, 13.2 million people under the age of 18 – around 70 percent – ​​have at least one sibling; the number of only children is declining, more and more children have to come to terms with their siblings. Growing up with brothers and sisters means joy, but also anger, frustration and disappointment. This often continues into adulthood.

On holidays, when families sit together, sibling relationships come to the fore. Shared memories are dug out, old conflicts boil up. Childhood relationships are complex, affecting for better or for worse. Researchers are therefore investigating why some people feel restricted by their brothers and sisters throughout their lives - while others do not want to be without them. What is the secret of good sibling relationships?

Petra Bahr says her sister and brother are definitely an asset, baby photo albums or not. The 53-year-old has often thought about her role as a baby. Despite all the competition and conflicts. Everything went well for them – although it wasn't always harmonious. "Parents often have the feeling that their children are always fighting," says child and adolescent psychotherapist Inés Brock from the Nathusius Institute for Psychology, Education and Counseling in Halle. "But that's not the majority of interactions."

And in terms of evolutionary biology, a relationship based solely on competition also makes no sense; After all, people naturally tend to strive for closeness and solidarity within the clan. "Siblings are a protective factor in health, both physically and mentally," says Brock, "a positive resource."

Physically, the younger siblings in particular benefit from their brothers and sisters: Because they constantly bring germs home from daycare and school, they develop a more resilient immune system. The more siblings a child has, the lower the risk of developing rheumatism in childhood. This was shown by a 2015 study by Australian researchers at the Murdoch Childrens Research Institute in Parkville.

But vice versa, the first-born benefit from growing up with younger siblings: "They get fat less often because they move more," says Brock. This is proven, among other things, by a study by the University of Michigan with more than 6,000 American children: A child who had a sibling at kindergarten age tended to have a healthier BMI as a first grader than those of the same age without younger siblings.

Brothers and sisters don't just keep you slim. "Even more important are the mental benefits," says psychotherapist Brock. A fairly recent finding - the psychological field of attachment research originally focused primarily on the mother-child relationship, later also on the father-child relationship. "Now, attachment researchers are increasingly discovering the importance of siblings and realizing that they can even be primary attachment figures."

From kindergarten age, siblings often spend more time together than with their father or mother. "Children are more likely to learn from each other than from adults," says Brock. There is much to learn; for example, the ability to deal with frustration and postpone one's own needs: "This is how children develop social skills." Some parents find it hard to believe. Social competence? Those brawlers?

In fact, the noise in the children's room seems to be normal. Behavioral researchers at the University of New Hampshire observed siblings - and counted an average of eight arguments per hour. Apparently the tussles are actually good for something: competition helps development.

Researchers from the University of Cambridge found out that even if the relationship is less cordial and characterized by rivalry, siblings have a positive effect on a child's development.

Social understanding is also accelerated during teasing and arguments, since the younger child is confronted with the older child's emotionally charged language. Anyone who experiences this as an infant can talk about feelings almost equally from the age of six – like older siblings. "The kids learn to assert themselves," explains Brock. "It raises their self-esteem and gives them optimism about coping, i.e. the feeling of being able to cope with difficult situations." If there are several brothers and sisters, the changing coalitions also lead to increasing flexibility.

Your own social behavior is also positively influenced by siblings. A study by the University of Toronto with 452 Canadian pairs of siblings shows that the children improve each other's ability to empathize - regardless of the parenting style of the parents or the age relationship with each other.

"Although there is evidence that older siblings and parents are the primary socializing influences on the development of younger siblings (rather than vice versa), we found that both younger and older siblings positively contribute to each other's development of empathy over time contributed,” writes study leader Marc Jambon. Not only the youngest benefit from their sisters and brothers - but everyone from everyone.

Siblings are a community of destiny in which a special closeness can grow - which also carries through adulthood. Petra Bahr says: "For me, my siblings are on a higher level than my best friends, we've just experienced so much together." She also means mutual support in times of crisis. When Bahr's husband became seriously ill, her brother and sister were there for her. They drove to the Baltic Sea together and looked after the sick man so that Bahr could breathe deeply while walking on the beach.

Now she is a widow, her siblings are still there for her. "My brother is good at entertaining me when I need a distraction," she says. "When I'm mentally stressed and need someone to talk to, my sister is there for me. I can call her and she will come. For talking, crying, exchanging ideas.” Relationships change, including those with siblings. Petra Bahr says that she only developed a close bond with her sister during puberty.

Sometimes siblings only find each other as adults. "Conflicts that siblings have often stem from childhood experiences," says Swiss psychologist and sibling researcher Jürg Frick. Dealing with the roles assigned to them is therefore important for everyone: if they don't fit, you can free yourself from them as an adult. No one is committed – not even to permanent discord. Sometimes a renewed approach can even save lives.

Frick tells the story of a woman who had no contact with her sister for ten years. She was in dire need of a kidney but was too proud to ask for help. When the sister found out, she offered her organ. The patient accepted the gift overwhelmed. Every year since the donation, they celebrate the rebirth of their sisterhood. "It helps if you try to reframe things from back then and understand the limitations of the parents," says Frick. "Then you don't take everything so personally, you can say: Now I'm an adult and I'm making something out of my experiences."

Another important finding of sibling research: Nobody has to suffer from their innate position in the family for the rest of their lives. "The sibling position does not determine how children behave later," says Jürg Frick. "The key thing is how the siblings perceive their position subjectively - and what they make of it."

A sandwich child, for example, may perceive his position as an advantage or a disadvantage. “Some say they have always suffered from their role in the middle. The others say: The best thing about the sandwich is the middle! Above and below is dry bread, but I'm in between. That's the best situation.” Firstborns, on the other hand, could be annoyed about their responsible role - or be proud of it.

It used to be assumed that the order of birth led to certain character traits. Firstborns are responsible, youngsters are creative free spirits – that was a common notion. But psychologists now know that there is nothing to it. At best, it is the personalities of the brother or sister that shape one's own character: "Every child looks for a place in the family where it is recognized as an unmistakable individual. Most of the time, this is accomplished through discrimination,” says Frick.

If a daughter attaches great importance to her appearance, it is likely that the girl born later will emphasize a different aspect. If the first child is short-tempered, the next one can be particularly relaxed. Each child occupies a specific niche within the family.

Nevertheless, nothing is fixed. "Sibling relationships are very complex, there are millions of variants," says Frick. "You always have to look at each individual case." At best, these bonds are the longest relationships people have in their lives - and connections that can be relied on in any situation. Incidentally, even if they are not only based on mutual support, but on common mischief.

Petra Bahr's parents both worked, and the three children kept to themselves a lot. Once when they dressed up, Bahr's older sister's wig caught fire - her eyebrows were burned off. Instead of telling their parents, the siblings covered up the damage and stuck together; only years later did they confess the mishap. Such a bond shapes: "It's good that we were so close," says Bahr. "Now we are reaping what we sowed as children."

How should parents deal with excessive sibling competition? "Fair does not mean giving everyone the same share, but looking at what each individual needs," writes the educational advisor Jan-Uwe Rogge in his new book "Geschwister - Eine veryspecial Liebe". The image of a fence over which everyone wants to see something illustrates this dilemma: the problem child needs four boxes to look over the fence, a sibling maybe only one. "It's fair if all the children can see over the fence," says Rogge. Parents have to explain to their children why one child needs more boxes.

Parents who repeatedly have to endure nagging and tears in the children's room should try to take it easy. The dispute has its good side: "As a parent, you don't have to do everything on your own," says Rogge. "Because children also accompany themselves and give themselves closeness and bonding."

This article was first published in January 2022.

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